Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
