Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
