Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
