She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
