After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
