I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
