I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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