I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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