Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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