in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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