i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
