i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
