So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
