im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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