Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
