at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
