How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
