She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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