I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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