my mouth tastes like poor choices
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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