I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
