I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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