i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
