i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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