I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
