flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just took my morning after pill in the library
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
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I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
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you are never too drunk for berry picking
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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