my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Did you just see the Batmobile???
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
