I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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