I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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