i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
