I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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