I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
