Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
