he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
