I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I want a musical about memes.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
