There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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