Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
