You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
