I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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