I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
