Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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