what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
