Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
