i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
