i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
