she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
