dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
