moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
