Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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