now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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