Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
