I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
