Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
