what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
