At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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