he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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