I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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