How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
