ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
