I can text with my tongue
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
