the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I am mentally ready for anal.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
