i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
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Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
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From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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