Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
