Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
