Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
